Hot=Notorious Mass-Murderer. Cold=Soothing Companion

Due to being a professional writer now, I feel I can more openly express pure, factual information to the masses. Before, I was timid and had no confidence. However, seeing that my blog has nearly reached 300 page views, I can confidently say that I am a professional and expert in the field of satirical literal non-fiction. Using this new post of power, I needed to warn and educate the masses about an epidemic that has plagued our planet for countless millenia. HOT!

Summer time has always been the bane of my year. It's so sticky and sweaty and hot and it basically just sucks. However, a great deal of people actually enjoy summer and enjoy the heat that it brings. These people are obviously deluded and have bought into all that "Warm Temperature" propaganda that's been circling around. Here is the cold hard facts people. Hot weather murders and destroys families. There, I said it.

From facts that I just made up, hot weather is guilty for nearly 2.736 billion deaths a year. You hear on the news all the time about poor old grandmothers that died because it was too hot. Poor dogs left in cars in the summer with the window rolled down only a crack. Countless trillions of ants that are barbecued with magnifying glasses.

Then you look at every one's good friend, Cold. Cold only kills about 36 people a year in the entire world. And most of those people deserve it because they go to Antarctica or made a terrible life choice by living in Alaska. Cold is a wonderful, caring and happy companion. Cold is the "Love Temperature." How often does summer give you a reason to cuddle up super close with that special someone? (Or that one chick you met behind Safeway and has the funny little sores around their lips) The answer to that question is NEVER! Cold contributes to wonderful physical contact with your significant other. Giving you time to bond and grow your relationship even more.

Summer makes people miserable and pushes loved ones away. No one in the entire world wants to snuggle close to another person when it's 105 in your bedroom. Summer is "The Season of Hatred." Hot is a crafty, dastardly villain. While it kindly strolls around for a few months, slaughtering countless humans and animals, it also provides weather in which crops grow. Summer is basically a drug dealer. It gives you something that makes you feel better and feel happy, all the while murdering anyone stupid enough to go out in it. It's manipulating the entire population!

Sure, cold has it's drawbacks. Frostbite is a bitch and really hurts and makes people lose toes and/or feet and various other body parts. But frostbite is basically the drunk uncle at the wedding that no one really likes, but still shows up anyway because he's family. That's how Cold and Frostbite are related. However you take even the worst possible thing about cold, death, and it's still not bad. In fact, it's pretty damn great! Tons of people say that freezing to death is one of the more humane and pleasant ways to die. (Right below being asleep) They say it's relaxing and nice. You kind of just drift off into a deep sleep that you don't wake from. And yes, the points leading up to your entire body going numb are pretty crappy, but there is that wonderful ending that will soothe even the most scared death victims.

Hot deaths? Being out in horribly hot temperature, all the fluids in your body being taken away in mere minutes. You succumbing to your fate, collapsing on the ground, essentially cooking your own flesh while you pray to every God figure that's ever been spoken of, for a glass of water. Your mouth so dry that the roof of it and your tongue stick together. Gasping for any kind of moisture from the air until you finally die a miserable, painful and horrendous death.

Yeah, Summer is a real pal. (That was sarcasm since you can't see me rolling my eyes.)

Of course, Summer and hot weather isn't 100% bad. It does have one thing and one thing only going for it. Women wear less clothes. That's about it. And even then, they are being bombarded by horrible "Super Gamma-Xray-Ultraviolet" radiation that will eventually turn their skin into the hide of a basketball and then murder them with skin cancer.

I have a solution. A solution I didn't think of, but was brought about by Professor Farnsworth of Futurama fame. We somehow shoot the Earth and the Moon away from the sun a good ways. Hence, making the year a little longer by about a week. That week will then be known as "Robot Party Week", and we'll all bring our robots to the park and enjoy a nice, refreshing, chilled day outside. Any rocket scientists/physicists that can make this happen, please contact The One World Government and get this plan into motion. Preferably before winter.

I just solved global warming. Suck it Al Gore!

Thank you for your time. Stay safe and out of the sight of the murderer in the sky.

Video Games Should Be Fun

The video game was created four centuries ago as an alternative to all that toiling and torture early American settlers had to endure. They were made to be fun and exciting and provide a little escape from the real world for awhile. Pure entertainment that wasn't just watching TV or a movie. Something interactive. Something you had control over. And that was a fantastic idea.

For a long time, video games enjoyed a run of fun. Sure, some games sucked. Just like some movies or TV shows suck. However, the overall idea was that they were played for fun. In the last few years, this has changed for some people, and I'm not exactly sure why.

Prime example would (of course) have to be World of Warcraft. This isn't going to be a WoW hating article you see every ten seconds on the internet. But this is easily the best example. WoW is the biggest online video game ever with currently around 11 million active subscriptions. And as popular as it has become, the game has become much more business than entertainment.

You'll walk into a 25 person raid. A raid that will usually take about two hours to finally bring together because people don't seem to be able to understand to go from where you are to another place. Once you get going, you fight (eventually) and kill everything in your path. Then rage happens. Loot comes up that you need. Someone else gets it. Then someone freaks out and starts calling you horrible names that I won't put in here. Screaming and yelling and fighting are all things very common in WoW. You fight and fight for two to three hours in a dungeon and almost everyone leaves basically empty handed. People get pissed off and rage-quit the game. Just shut it off and start cussing everyone out.

For so many people, the game isn't fun for them. I don't see tons of people having a laugh or a good time. I see instance or raid groups getting together and one person making a small mistake and getting screamed and cussed at and then kicked out of the group. Sure, I understand wanting to succeed, but losing your temper over a video game is fucking insane.

Next and last example. Modern Warfare 2. This game got tons of hype and is played by millions of people online. Since it's been out a long while now, regular players are raging constantly that the multiplayer is broken. Bitching about the spawning system sucking. Spawn traps and noob tubes. People getting so frustrated and pissed off, they feel the need to cuss out everyone on the voice chat.

I live by the code that games are meant to be fun. I play games all the time. And a lot of them I don't finish. Not because the game isn't good most times. It's just that I happen to not like the game. So, I'll stop playing it, delete it and move on to another and see if I like that.

The moral of the story is this. Games are meant to be fun. If whatever game you are playing gets to a point where you are not having fun, you need to put down the controller or shut off the computer. Stop playing it. Don't get pissed that something is broken. Don't get pissed because the other people are idiots. Don't get pissed off that the other people are assholes. Go. Just go. There are hundreds of thousands of video games to choose from out there. You can find something that you will enjoy if you try. Don't put undue stress on yourself, playing a game that is making you miserable.

Why Does This Keep Happening To Me?

Casey: Cathy....
Cathy: Casey?
Casey: We need to talk.
Cathy: Ok?
Casey: Here's how it is...
Casey: I'm pregnant. And it's yours.....
Cathy: Damnit Casey! You told me you used condiments!
Casey: I did! You are the one that bought the low-cal dressing!
Cathy: You said it would be fine!!!!
Casey: You got me drunk! That's basically rape you know. I could have your ass thrown in jail.....
Cathy: You can't rape the willing!!
Casey: You can when I have overpriced super lawyers that will make it that way!
Cathy: You wish!!

Bitches

No matter what social site you happen to frequent, you are guaranteed to come across numerous women claiming they are a bitch and not to mess with them or you'll regret it. Their profiles usually contain at least three pictures of them flipping off the camera and about five more showing off tattoos.

Where did this glorification of being a bitch come from? Why are people proud that they can be mean to others and not seem to care?

Is this some kind of ultra-feminist declaration to ward off the male preconception of female weakness? If that is so, aren't there far more productive ways to show dominance aside from proudly boasting about how good you are at swearing at people on the internet?

I'm all for being confident and loving who you are and not caring what other people think. However, if you really don't care what people think, I'd normally think you wouldn't have to boast about it in every online description box they can cram words into. You wouldn't care.

Why are all my blog posts between 3 and 5am when I am excessively tired and definitely not thinking clearly. There were so many more points I wanted to put into this and probably explain them a lot better as well. Oh well. This is my blog. And you can't have it!