Hot=Notorious Mass-Murderer. Cold=Soothing Companion

Due to being a professional writer now, I feel I can more openly express pure, factual information to the masses. Before, I was timid and had no confidence. However, seeing that my blog has nearly reached 300 page views, I can confidently say that I am a professional and expert in the field of satirical literal non-fiction. Using this new post of power, I needed to warn and educate the masses about an epidemic that has plagued our planet for countless millenia. HOT!

Summer time has always been the bane of my year. It's so sticky and sweaty and hot and it basically just sucks. However, a great deal of people actually enjoy summer and enjoy the heat that it brings. These people are obviously deluded and have bought into all that "Warm Temperature" propaganda that's been circling around. Here is the cold hard facts people. Hot weather murders and destroys families. There, I said it.

From facts that I just made up, hot weather is guilty for nearly 2.736 billion deaths a year. You hear on the news all the time about poor old grandmothers that died because it was too hot. Poor dogs left in cars in the summer with the window rolled down only a crack. Countless trillions of ants that are barbecued with magnifying glasses.

Then you look at every one's good friend, Cold. Cold only kills about 36 people a year in the entire world. And most of those people deserve it because they go to Antarctica or made a terrible life choice by living in Alaska. Cold is a wonderful, caring and happy companion. Cold is the "Love Temperature." How often does summer give you a reason to cuddle up super close with that special someone? (Or that one chick you met behind Safeway and has the funny little sores around their lips) The answer to that question is NEVER! Cold contributes to wonderful physical contact with your significant other. Giving you time to bond and grow your relationship even more.

Summer makes people miserable and pushes loved ones away. No one in the entire world wants to snuggle close to another person when it's 105 in your bedroom. Summer is "The Season of Hatred." Hot is a crafty, dastardly villain. While it kindly strolls around for a few months, slaughtering countless humans and animals, it also provides weather in which crops grow. Summer is basically a drug dealer. It gives you something that makes you feel better and feel happy, all the while murdering anyone stupid enough to go out in it. It's manipulating the entire population!

Sure, cold has it's drawbacks. Frostbite is a bitch and really hurts and makes people lose toes and/or feet and various other body parts. But frostbite is basically the drunk uncle at the wedding that no one really likes, but still shows up anyway because he's family. That's how Cold and Frostbite are related. However you take even the worst possible thing about cold, death, and it's still not bad. In fact, it's pretty damn great! Tons of people say that freezing to death is one of the more humane and pleasant ways to die. (Right below being asleep) They say it's relaxing and nice. You kind of just drift off into a deep sleep that you don't wake from. And yes, the points leading up to your entire body going numb are pretty crappy, but there is that wonderful ending that will soothe even the most scared death victims.

Hot deaths? Being out in horribly hot temperature, all the fluids in your body being taken away in mere minutes. You succumbing to your fate, collapsing on the ground, essentially cooking your own flesh while you pray to every God figure that's ever been spoken of, for a glass of water. Your mouth so dry that the roof of it and your tongue stick together. Gasping for any kind of moisture from the air until you finally die a miserable, painful and horrendous death.

Yeah, Summer is a real pal. (That was sarcasm since you can't see me rolling my eyes.)

Of course, Summer and hot weather isn't 100% bad. It does have one thing and one thing only going for it. Women wear less clothes. That's about it. And even then, they are being bombarded by horrible "Super Gamma-Xray-Ultraviolet" radiation that will eventually turn their skin into the hide of a basketball and then murder them with skin cancer.

I have a solution. A solution I didn't think of, but was brought about by Professor Farnsworth of Futurama fame. We somehow shoot the Earth and the Moon away from the sun a good ways. Hence, making the year a little longer by about a week. That week will then be known as "Robot Party Week", and we'll all bring our robots to the park and enjoy a nice, refreshing, chilled day outside. Any rocket scientists/physicists that can make this happen, please contact The One World Government and get this plan into motion. Preferably before winter.

I just solved global warming. Suck it Al Gore!

Thank you for your time. Stay safe and out of the sight of the murderer in the sky.