I hate you. Yes, you! The one reading this. I hate you.

Recently I've discovered that I hate everyone. With only one exception, my Mother. There is nothing you could ever hate about her. But I really do hate you. I hate people and I don't want to be around them. When people gather, they like to talk, and talking sucks. There's never anything good to talk about.

Now I will list the people that I am hating the most right now. These are all personal friends of mine.

Brandy: I hate you. Your constant phone neglect has sent me into an emotional rollercoaster of disappointment, excessive happiness, complete and total rage, and warm feelings in my pants' region. I can't handle this kind of emotional (insert synonym for the figurative "rollercoaster" mentioned earlier because I can't think of another word and I don't want to be redundant) . Plus you don't cook me shit.

Jenna: Your obvious, overwhelming sexual desire for me is as apparent as your gargantuan breasts in one of your many excessively drooping neckline shirts you always wear around me. After you visit me and then leave, your "playful" way of making me rub your boobs over your shirt was cute at first and now has crossed that friend/sexual object area that we've treaded masterfully these 35 years we've known each other. I hate you.

Dan: I hate you. Your constant unavailability due to school work and your (formerly) devout girlfriend is annoying and takes away nearly all of our drinking time. And your car is beat up. I hate your fucking car too. He gets in one little fight and totally backs down and now it's damaged for life because it wouldn't stick up for itself.

John: Your unhealthy, sociopathic obsession with getting healthy is annoying. You live 3 minutes from me, and you have lots of days off of work. You could easily come over here (or me go there) and we could bomb through a bottle of booze and have a great time playing Mario Kart. But nooooooo. There is SUGAR in the booze. I sure would hate to ruin your mental illness about wellness by having some FUN! I hate most of you. The goatee was cool. I don't hate the goatee. And Jettas are girls cars.

Facebook Moms: I hate you so much. Due to the constant attention needed by those nefarious little bastards, most of your day is consumed by making sure they don't smash the TV with coffee table, or stab themselves while running with a pair of scissors. (which, by the way, is the most fun time you can have while holding scissors) So, nearly all your posts are about your devil spawn. Now, kids on the whole aren't totally evil. However when they are around me, they become more evil than Pat Robertson. I'll pick up your babies and one of three things will happen. One, they will puke on me. Two, they will drool on me. Three, they will scream their bloody heads off when I touch them, like I punched them in the face, even though I didn't, but I want to because they start crying, trying to make it look like I did punch them in the face and are trying to get me in trouble with their Mom. I hate you and I hate your children.

Adam Savage: I hate you a whole lot. You get the majority of the screen time because the producers find you charming, relatable and funny, when in fact, we all know that Jamie is 50x the scientist you will ever be. Only, Jamie get's 1/3 the screen time because he has the personality of a roofied woman at a bar.

I'm done typing now. It's 5:30 am and I hate the stupid clock for being so late/early. If you were not mentioned in the list, trust me, I hate you too. I just didn't have time to write about you. Thank you and have a pleasant day.