Customer Tips

Here it is, friends! I've gotten some positive feedback about my customer tips, so, I've compiled them all here for easy access. I hope you all appreciate the tens of minutes it took to copy and paste all of these. Alas, here we go...

Customer Tip #1: When handing exact change to the cashier, don't put the change down on the counter. Put it in the cashier's hand. It's god damn annoying having to pick up 88 cents one coin at a time off the counter.

Customer Tip #2: Despite what you've heard in the past, the customer is not always right. A recent study (I can't find the link) said that the customer is about 92% wrong. Before jumping down an employee's throat about an item that is ...suppose to be on sale because a sign told you so; read the entire sign. Especially the fine print that might say "Except".

Side note: When proven wrong, don't continue to be a douchebag and press the point just to get your way. Pinching a couple pennies is not worth essentially pissing on the nice people that are trying to help you.

Customer Tip 3: When you get an item and decide later that you don't want it, don't just set it down where ever you happen to be. Keep it in your cart, take it up to the register with you, and hand it to the cashier. They won't mind, I promise. It saves hours of work every day for the floor people that have better things to do than to clean up after lazy people.

Customer Tip 4: Despite what all the media and propaganda tells you, if you find an item at a store that has previously been opened, it does not contain herpes, plague, AIDS, swine flu, anthrax, libertarianism or tuberculosis. Items that have been opened are just as good as sealed ones. And, if for some reason something is missing...bring the damn thing back! You'll be in that part of town next week anyway.

Customer Tip 5: Have your payment ready when you get to the register. So sick of the idiots that are four people back in line, stand in line for about five minutes, then when it is their turn and their items get rung up, it's like some revelation that... they have to pay. So, they rummage through their purse for that 75 cents they just know they have when they have a dollar sitting right in their hand.

Side Tip: Care for your money. Don't just hand a cashier a bunch of ugly, wadded up bills. I have no want or need to touch your disgusting bills that have been rubbing against your balls all day. Get your money straight before you hand it to me.

Customer Tip 6: All returns require a receipt! This is not new information, people. This is how it has been since I've been born...and, I can assume, for many years before that. I don't give a single shit if your item still has the price sticker on it. Keep your god damn receipts. And, if you lose your receipt, don't go to the store and bully the employees because you are an idiot.

Customer Tip 7: Take your god damn cart back to the cart corral. Those things are conveniently placed so you don't have to walk any more than 20 yards. Don't just put your cart in your parking spot, or up on the divider between spaces. If you are too lazy to walk your cart, 20 or less yards, you are likely fat and need the exercise. QUIT BEING LAZY!

Customer Tip 8: Get off your god damn cell phone. No one in the store, much less the cashier that is helping you, wants to hear about your idiotic life. The cashier may have things that they need to communicate to you. I realize how materialistic you... all are to your stupid little phone, but I promise your friends aren't going to hate you because you stopped talking to them while you got your shit rung up.

Customer Tip 9: Save your checks for your bills and don't fucking waste your cashiers time in line. Checks are outdated, and completely unnecessary except for the fact of mailing in bills. Even then...we have the Internet now. People, get out of... the 1970s. Don't waste yours and your cashiers time by basically taking out the stone and chisel. I know you have a debit card in that stupid purse. Use the god damn thing.

Customer Tip 10: Don't let your asshole little kids run free in the store. I realize that kids are annoying, and any chance you get to be rid of them for a few minutes, you take. But, letting them run wild in the store is not the place to ditch them. Go take them for a "picnic." Your little bastards run around, ruining anything their eyes look at. Quit being lazy parents and watch your god damn kids.